R.I.P. HazelNUT

Today at 11:00 AM I am putting my  beautiful English Bulldog to her final sleep. She just turned 11 years old on the 29th and she has been a part of my life since she was 8 weeks old.
 I still remember the flight home from CA with her in her little crate. This was right after 9/11 and the airlines were still going crazy. It had taken me over 4 hours to board in Boston and I dreaded repeating that with a young pup in a carry on crate. 
As I was standing in the line, a flight attendant walked by and saw the crate, stopped and asked me what I was flying with and as soon as I said a bulldog puppy, her eyes lit up and before I knew it, Hazel was out of her kennel in her arms." Come with me"  She walked past ALL the people standing in line, with me following her, thinking "oh no, are they not going to let me carry her on? she is way too young to fly in the baggage compartment"  I walked through the gates, with no one even asking me to go through the x ray machines -they were all too busy playing with my puppy! 
She finally gave her back to me, showed me to my seat and we then waited for the rest of the passengers to board. About an hour into the flight, she came back,followed by the captain who quickly had her out of her crate into his arms. " I will be right back with her" he promised me. I didn't see her until 20 minutes before we landed! 
That was the start of a very long and wonderful friendship. She has been the queen of the pack as soon as we walked in the door, kept everyone in line, not taking any lip from anyone, including any swing set in the area. 
Half the time she drove me crazy and the other half I loved her to pieces....even when she was getting Conor or walking  in circles on the dinning room table. Damn, I'm going to miss you Haze, Thank you for sharing your life with us. 

An Open Message to the 99% (Occupy Wall Street)

Giving Up

Two words that make you feel all warm and cozy inside.....until you put them together. 

 Giving

v.

To make a present of: We gave her flowers for her birthday.
To devote (oneself) completely: gave herself up to the project
To place in the hands of; I give you my love
To furnish or contribute: gave their time to help others.
Up
adv
So as to advance, increase, or improve: Our spirits went up.
With or to a greater intensity, pitch, or volume: turn the sound up.
Into a state of excitement or turbulence: stir up; rouse up.
Completely; entirely: drank it up in a gulp; fastened up the coat.
Give up

v

To surrender: The suspects gave themselves up
To cease to do or perform: gave up their search.
To desist from; stop: I gave up caring.
To part with; relinquish:  gave up all hope. 
To lose hope for: We had given the dog up as lost.
To lose hope of seeing: We'd given you up an hour ago.
To admit defeat. We need to give up
To abandon what one is doing or planning to do: I gave up writing the play

The boy that wasn't

He came into this world broken and busted.
There are no just born pictures of him, his face was too bruised, his shoulder blade broken. His mother torn up from 35 hours of hard labor of a child that weight in at 10lbs and 24 inches. She would say later on " I just don't have child bearing hips" Future births were in question. The damage was done.

His father had great dreams for this first born child of his. 'He's going to be tall, 'basketball' He's is left handed 'baseball'....
They were in awe of him. He was perfect.

to be continued....

Why am I helping?

This started out as a little blurb for a slide show about WHY I am helping someone. 


 This has turned out much harder then I thought it would be. I should be able to just say because I can and that should be enough, but as I started I could not actually answer that question in a few sentences and now it is four in the morning, with not a hint of sleepiness in the air....so I might need to dig a little deeper.
 
I guess it is one thing to cut and paste and gather information and a completely other to write from the heart. So bear with me as I am not a writer nor do I find it easy to express my feelings, as my close friends will attest, unless of course I am pissed off...then all rules go by the wayside. :)


Facts about me: 


I am not a warm and cuddly person. 
We all  know how some people just naturally hug?
Me? not so much. 
Not to say I don't like physical contact I LOVE to touch and to be touched - but when it is   truly physical  ( that did not come out very clear) 


I am not very sympathetic to the needs of others. 
Something bad happen in your childhood? Go to therapy or not and get over it. 
You hate your mom/dad? Go to therapy or not and get over it. 
You are depressed/bipolar/crazy?  Yeah you know what I am going to say...


As an child, you can be a victim and if children did not grow up to become adults I would be much kinder then I am, but in the natural course of things, we become adults, and we make a choice to either become the person you want to become or stay the victim.  We have all played the victim  at one point or another. It just seems that a lot of the population that stays a victim. 


Not to say I am uncaring, for this is not true. I care deeply. I care so deeply that it is unbearable at times. 

I rarely ask for help.
I learned a long time ago that nobody is going to help you except yourself.
That little lesson has shaped me into who I am today and I am okay with that.  


I could blame it on a traumatic childhood event - way to scary to even joke about.
I could not having a mom to raise me - she died when I was 3 1/2
I could blame it on the snow and the ice - I hate winter 
I could blame it on global warming and 2012 
I could blame it on the Zombie Apocalypse

I can come up with hundreds of excuses or  I can not give excuses and get on with life. 


Asking for help is a scary situation. 
Do you take the chance of people saying NO ( rejection) 
Do you take the chance of people saying YES and then not following through
( disappointment, frustration , embarrassment)  


I don't know which is worse. Asking for help and it not arriving (Oh Knight in Shinning Armor, where the hell are you? ) or asking for help and becoming disappointed with someone. 


So when people ask me for help, I am just as likely to say yes then I am to say no. Many factors play a game in my head, all processed and decided within seconds of being asked. I would never say " let me think about it" It is either YES I can help you or NO I can't. 
I also find it easier to just do it myself. 


The sandman has decided to visit, hopefully when I come back to visit it will be much clearer then the ramblings that I just did. 

 (I find it interesting that if I were typing in a word. doc I would not be doing this - but online it feels like I am writing to someone instead of just myself. ) 

“Occupy Northampton” Brings Nationwide Protests to a Local Level - The Sophian - Smith College

“Occupy Northampton” Brings Nationwide Protests to a Local Level - The Sophian - Smith College

Miss...do you have ANY idea how fast you were going?

OFFICER:      
 Miss, do you have any idea how fast you were driving?

ME:
 Ummm 70ish? No, not really my speedometer broke years ago

OFFICER:
 Your speedometer doesn't work? Please step out of the car

ME:
 Really? for a broken speedometer Okay

OFFICER:
 When you went past those two trailer trucks, my partner clocked you at 136 miles per hour

ME:
 GET OUT OF HERE!!!!! REALLY OH SHIT I HAD NO IDEA MY CAR COULD

GO THAT FAST - AND THE WHEEL WASN'T EVEN SHAKING - DAMN!!

OFFICER:
 HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

ME:
 DRINKING? WHY would I be drinking and driving THAT Friggin FAST I LOVE MY
 CAR - I would NEVER - oh sorry, I ddn't mean to hit your clip board, I talk sometimes
 with my hands - oh damn I did it again, I'm sorry

OFFICER: (LOUD SIGH)
Are you sure you haven't been drinking or doing any type of drugs?

ME:
NO!! I told you I LOVE my car - did it really go THAT fast? That was amazing I just --damn, maybe I should stand further away from your clip board

OFFICER:
 Maybe you should put your hands behind you or in your pockets..

ME:
 OH that is TOO funny, when I worked for Animal Control I had a boss that would tell me the EXACT same thing whenever I had to talk to the press...

OFFICER:
 Animal Control? Where?

ME:
 Springfield

OFFICER:
 That's tough, I wouldn't want that job

ME:
 It had it's moments

OFFICER:
 Well, I'm going to give you a break, I am writing a ticket for you to get your speedometer fixed within 7 days and IF I see you on this part of 91 again, you better be going 55 with a working speedometer

ME:
 YES SIR!! Thank you

OFFICER:
 REMEMBER 55 in CT

ME:
 GOT BYE!

I LOVE MY CAR & the state of CT highway patrol!!

Breast cancer and WTF?

I have a friend who has inflammatory breast cancer. As cancer goes, it is not one to have. 
She is 31 - one of the most out going happiest people that I have ever met. She is not a close friend, Just somebody I met through these social networks we all know and love. We get along, we sit next to each other at functions and chat on FB - and because I had breast cancer a few years ago, we are somewhat bonded. If that makes any sense. 


When I had breast cancer I was LUCKY - a few cuts with a knife, 11 tumors out, a few months of chemo, radiation and and I am fine. The biggest part for me was my breast were/are so much smaller then before and I lost my hair. Well hair grows back and at least people are no longer speaking to my chest when they talk to me. 


My friend on the other hand is screwed. They can't operate, they can barely treat the pain and they tell her that her only real chance of survival is an experimental treatment at UCLA. Her insurance company won't cover it (thanks BlueCross BlueShield of MA) 
So I speak to my good friend Celia who happened to pull together this great fundraiser for someone who needed dental work. They came up with thousands of dollars for this surgery. My BC friend only needs 9000.00 .
 I speak to Celia who says "HELL YES, lets put together a hell of a bash - your friend with BC needs to give me 4-5 names of her closest friends and from they we can plan our first meeting" 
I relay that message and she says in between her tears " thank you for doing this for me" 
That was two weeks ago. 
So, you say " what is up with the WTF? in the headline? 


NONE of her friends will commit. NONE - her closest friend said " Why don't you just take out a loan" 
WTF????  
She asks another friend, a person that she has spent time with on different committees for this great city, someone that she has gone out drinking with, had over to her house...you know, more of a friend then I could call myself. 
This person said " I'm too busy with all _________ and I am on the steering committee of_______ and the______project is taking up so much time....I really can't - you understand ? 
WTF???
So now what? 


I think it is time to have a good old fashion barn raising. 

Murals and beer

Started on the mural for the brewery today. So glad the sun is finally out. Pictures will follow in the next few days or just come by and say HI -

What's up with this dog and my panties....

AHHHH not another pair. This is getting way out of hand. I realize that Cane Corso's are consider a 'thinking' breed but she has taken it to a new level. I walk in and she is pulling at my dresser drawer - the one where the panties are kept when they are not on me. I scream - she screams back at me and takes off - with panties in mouth. WOO HOO a game of chase has begun. 

And the blame lays with....( this is just an rant - not actually worth reading)

Spend all morning in court with the wayward son. It's very sad to watch this progression of destruction that he has created around his self.
What kills me is that I get blamed for the whole thing. I encouraged art, which lead to graffiti, which I also encouraged, which lead to getting high, which lead to selling drugs, which lead to being arrested. Yes that makes perfect sense to me. And when the 14 year gets drunk, yep same logic. Even though I never did drugs as a teenager, never got drunk as a teenager ( yes, I was a pretty standard straight A student - granted a bit odd and out of place - who never actually fitted in with any of the typical groups) Oh well.
The wheels of life continue to roll.
LOL If I were the depressed type of whining artist I would want to lay under that bus and just wait - but I would rather be driving the damn thing.

Art buildings and things that go bump in the night

We looked at buildings today. Old buildings that nobody has loved in a very long time, if ever.  Old boarded up buildings, rain damaged floors and ceilings, way too many pigeons....I love old buildings. The greatness of them. Of course all I want to do is paint them. I can smell the spray already. 
One of the rooms was full of paint cans. Everyone was chatting about the outside and I took a moment to look around and realized I was standing in wall to wall paint.'oh my, paint...' 
 It was funny, as soon as the realtor realized what I was looking at he quickly said " oh, all of that stuff will be removed"  NOOOOOOOOOO! 
Why can't people get the whole recycle-reuse idea? The concept isn't all that hard. 
We are a country of waste. It is rather shameful at times. 
Maybe one of the buildings will work out. It would be nice to live downtown again. It would be nice to be able to paint again. It would be nice to be able to live AND paint where I live. 
My little spare room in the house where I was a wife for so many years is getting smaller and smaller by the day. 

Um...why are you sleeping on a sun tanning bed??

Ha, one day I will tell you why I am sleeping on a sun tanning bed, but for right now, rest assured that it is one of the more comfortable places I have laid my head down.

Being alone, but not

I wish somebody would take the magnifying glass off me - or just let me burn up. It would be a whole lot easier.