Thursday, October 13, 2011

Why am I helping?

This started out as a little blurb for a slide show about WHY I am helping someone. 

 This has turned out much harder then I thought it would be. I should be able to just say because I can and that should be enough, but as I started I could not actually answer that question in a few sentences and now it is four in the morning, with not a hint of sleepiness in the I might need to dig a little deeper.

I guess it is one thing to cut and paste and gather information and a completely other to write from the heart. So bear with me as I am not a writer nor do I find it easy to express my feelings, as my close friends will attest, unless of course I am pissed off...then all rules go by the wayside. :)

Facts about me: 

I am not a warm and cuddly person. 
We all  know how some people just naturally hug?
Me? not so much. 
Not to say I don't like physical contact I LOVE to touch and to be touched - but when it is   truly physical  ( that did not come out very clear) 

I am not very sympathetic to the needs of others
Something bad happen in your childhood? Go to therapy or not and get over it. 
You hate your mom/dad? Go to therapy or not and get over it
You are depressed/bipolar/crazy?  Yeah you know what I am going to say...

As an child, you can be a victim and if children did not grow up to become adults I would be much kinder then I am, but in the natural course of things, we become adults, and we make a choice to either become the person you want to become or stay the victim.  We have all played the victim  at one point or another. It just seems that a lot of the population that stays a victim. 

Not to say I am uncaring, for this is not true. I care deeply. I care so deeply that it is unbearable at times. 

I rarely ask for help.
I learned a long time ago that nobody is going to help you except yourself.
That little lesson has shaped me into who I am today and I am okay with that.  

I could blame it on a traumatic childhood event - way to scary to even joke about.
I could not having a mom to raise me - she died when I was 3 1/2
I could blame it on the snow and the ice - I hate winter 
I could blame it on global warming and 2012 
I could blame it on the Zombie Apocalypse

I can come up with hundreds of excuses or  I can not give excuses and get on with life. 

Asking for help is a scary situation. 
Do you take the chance of people saying NO ( rejection) 
Do you take the chance of people saying YES and then not following through
( disappointment, frustration , embarrassment)  

I don't know which is worse. Asking for help and it not arriving (Oh Knight in Shinning Armor, where the hell are you? ) or asking for help and becoming disappointed with someone. 

So when people ask me for help, I am just as likely to say yes then I am to say no. Many factors play a game in my head, all processed and decided within seconds of being asked. I would never say " let me think about it" It is either YES I can help you or NO I can't. 
I also find it easier to just do it myself. 

The sandman has decided to visit, hopefully when I come back to visit it will be much clearer then the ramblings that I just did. 

 (I find it interesting that if I were typing in a word. doc I would not be doing this - but online it feels like I am writing to someone instead of just myself. ) 

No comments:

Post a Comment